A CLEANER WINDSHIELD

There is a two lane road that links the New York State Freeway (never knew why it was called Free-way?), and the Ohio Turnpike and we were on it at 6:00 A.M. on our way to Utah with our family. These were the days when station wagons were the Suv' s of today and Louise and the two girls were sleeping in the back on my sponge rubber mattress. Rand, age 8 was in the passenger seat and Joel, age 3 was standing between us. I was driving madly down this empty road trying to be in the Cleveland area by early morning. As a result, my attention was concentrated on driving fast with eyes only on the road. At this time, Joel the younger, chose to announce "I have to pee-pee". Loathe to waste any time, a particularly strong foible of mine, you know, you can only go to the John when we stop for gas, type of attitude. I responded without taking my eyes off the road,"Rand, get the mayonnaise jar out from beneath the seat". After it's procurement, Joel begins to dutifully urinate into the jar all the while standing on the seat. Obviously these were days before seat belts were in order. I am still proceeding at a fast rate when Rand complains "Dad, its getting near the top". Taking a quick glance I reply, with confidence, "Oh that little guy can't fill that jar". For some unknown reason, Rand begins to lift the jar as though that will shut off the water flow and as it gets higher, Joel's little penis is being lifted over the top of the jar. Fire hoses are known not to have as much pressure as Joel had developed and not only is there a pressurized stream flying over the top of the jar, and not only is the stream, flying over the dashboard, it is hitting the inside of the windshield with a vengeance. Water is cascading down the glass and flowing over the dashboard and I am collapsing with the humor of the situation. Oh for a video camera. Here we are in the quiet of the early morning, with the only noise emanating from the car's engine, except in the cars interior there is the distinctive noise made by lawn sprinklers. I have lived these many years but the recollection of that bit of hilarity has never left my memory and sadly, Louise was never witness to it. But look on the bright side. I have had continuous laughter that has lasted a life time, plus I had a sparkling, clear windshield.

MOYNSIE #2

About a year ago I wrote a post about Jim Moynihan, a Catholic character and my best friend. Why was he my best friend? Good question. He had a fascination for irritating others. His cynical nature was always at the top of his personality and, as I said before, he managed to alienate the 5 other couples that comprised our social group. He was left with me, his circle of friend.

I used that sarcasm when he and Kay arrived late one night and he stated he had hurt the feelings of one of our couples. He took great delight in admitting this. All the things I have mentioned makes one stop and wonder, "And he was your best friend"? Strangely he was, and I previously stated that I loved him. So therein lies a question not easily answered. I guess if I had to sum it up, it lies in his great sense of humor and my ability to be almost equally amusing whenever we were together. His family moved at the end of the same street where we had purchased our first home. I would look down to the end of the street and if I saw cars I would call him and pretend to be hurt because we hadn't been invited. It was part of the act we put on.

He was the master of conflict of interests. He had graduated law school --2nd in his class I might add, (his brother was first) and was working for an insurance company as an adjuster. He would go to the scenes of automobile accidents and give his card to both parties and in many cases act as the attorney for both of the principles. As a result he became quite wealthy very rapidly. Unsavory and unreal ? Yes, but the two different insurance companies never caught on for a period of time sufficient for him to not only make a lot of money but to build a client base that went on forever. Conflict of interest ? Of course!! That demonstrates somewhat of a nefarious character, but you must admit it also speaks to an effective result. It was not against the law, but somewhat the crossing of a thin line.

As to his humor he was at his peak at about 5:30 in the morning and I have never known anyone that was instantly funny as he rose from his bed. The times I stayed overnight or that we traveled together made for deliciously humorous mornings. As an illustration of his wit, we played golf one day and acting the part of a pawn, I mentioned to him when I saw a white round piece of dog poop. I pretended to act as though it was my ball and we both laughed. That evening after dinner at his home with the foursome that played and their wives, he parlayed my white (?) ball into a full blown dissertation about how dumb I had to have been to think that was my golf ball. It went on for a full 10 minutes while he extolled the humor of the situation. I could go on a long time about his questionable virtues but suffice it to say I was the butt of many of his remarks. But I gave as good as I got and in the end that was what he enjoyed. Trying not to patronize myself it was this that set me apart from other people he met. and it was this that solidified our friendship. We fed off of each other and it sure made for fun times when we were together.

He died of pancreatic cancer in South Carolina where he had retired following his divorce from Kay. I had a call one night from his second wife and she said, "If you want to see him you had better get here quick". I arrived that night fairly late and the hospital was dark and quiet. As I entered his room he was awake and in his inimitable manner said to me, "Can you imagine all this fuss over a hang nail". I guess he epitomized the phrase "Always leave them laughing" and while I laugh at the thought of him, there is a lump in my throat for what we could have shared these many years he has been gone. Moynsie, my faith tells me we will share some other times in another chapter. The book on the two of us is not yet closed. Be well my friend.

WORDS OF WONDER

In the wintry days of Minnesota, we were fortunate enough to have two weeks in a lovely beach front condo at St. Augustine, Florida and we were returning from our days in the sun when we stopped at a motel outside of Cleveland, Ohio. For some reason I was feeling somewhat ill and as the evening proceeded, I had some weird feelings I couldn't remember ever having before. I couldn't put a label on what was wrong but along about 11:00 I was on the verge of calling the front desk and telling them I wanted an ambulance. However, I withstood this urge and finally went to sleep somewhere in the wee hours. My feelings had not disappeared but sleep over came me and I awoke the next morning with the affliction having disappeared. We continued on our way towards Minneapolis but I wanted to talk about the lesson I had learned the previous evening. So I said to Louise. "Honey you know I was feeling pretty bad last night and came close to calling for an ambulance". She didn't say anything by way of a reply and I continued, "You need to know what to do if I should have a heart attack". This time she replied, "I don't want to talk about it"! I was somewhat stunned by what I considered a cavalier attitude about a most serious subject. I am now a bit irritated and tried to introduce some words that might dispel that attitude by saying, "Hey honey, this might be a matter of life or death". I then added a little emphasis by saying "MY life or death "!!! Without looking at me she again added her own emphasis, "I don't want to talk about it". I said, "Do you mean that if I am lying on the floor of our living room in the throes of chest pains you plan on sitting there watching me not knowing what to do"?? She quietly once again stated "I don't want to talk about it". And that ended that conversation, but I have worked hard to have a heart attack. I think I deserve one and have always been befuddled by her lack of response knowing that when I have it, she will not know what to do. Fortunately, I am now well beyond that conversation but as the melody lingers on I recall her words of wonder.

INVICTUS

In the long ago days of my youth, the high school I attended in Buffalo N.Y. had assemblies every week and one of the highlights of that was group singing. All of those students assembled would join in various songs. I remember "The Bells of St. Marys " is one we sang with much gusto, but the one that has been a part of my being is a poem by Edgar Allen Poe that had been set to music. To help my readers better understand where I am going with this, I have to write it out although not in stanza form. Here goes:

"Out of the night that covers me, Black as a pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever Gods may be, for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced or cried aloud, Under the bludgeoning of chance, my head is bloody but unbowed. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishment the scroll, I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul".

That sounds a little heavy for a bunch of high school students but as I said, we made a lot of noise singing that. But to explain the reason I am writing this is, in a manner of speaking, that has been my mantra throughout my life. I know that sounds as though I am patronizing myself, but I, seriously, tried to keep my life in control at all times. I adopted that thinking when I was in the Navy and faced some difficult times. Remaining confident of my abilities, helped me to overcome some of those times. I always told myself that during the most trying of days, everything would work out for the best. No matter how dark the situation, there would be the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure old Edgar never thought of the manner in which I adopted his poem but it worked for me and I have remembered his words for sixty-eight years. Thanks Mr. Poe. You have meant a lot to me.

GETTING OUT OF LA

In October of 1945, the Japanese had been defeated and thousands upon thousands were being discharged from the many military organizations. So it was with me. I had gone into the Navy base in San Diego and found out that I had enough points to be released from active duty. That was a time of mixed emotions. Here I had spent 3 years learning my trade and now I would be unable to determine if I had learned it accurately. Oh, the flying of an airplane was not the greatest test, it was being over the Pacific Ocean and not knowing exactly where you were. You could be one degree and miss an island by several miles ---with nothing but ocean out in front of you. Navigation in those days was using a sextant to "shoot " the stars, guess what your ground speed was and having other very difficult aids to determine your position. However , it was a time to go home, be a husband and a father and learn a new trade--earning a living. Ah, but there is a problem. We were amongst those thousands I spoke of and how do we get back to our homes. I was with two of my buddies and we, somehow, got to Los Angeles where we needed a place to stay. Entering the first hotel we came to, I noticed a long line of other military people hoping they had reservations. In some kind of a slick move I found myself at the desk saying "This probably a stupid question but any chance you have a room for three of us"? He looked me and the other two Navy guys and said "Will you take a sample room"? I didn't know what a sample room was but I said "Of course". Wow! How easy was that? And we proceeded to the sample room which turned out to be a large room with four beds and tables set up for salesmen to display their goods. It had a bathroom with a shower and we were in Heaven. Ah, but now the trouble began. I started calling train stations, bus stations, any type of transportation that would allow us to leave L.A. All to no avail!! We were stuck. I called Louise to tell her, and I could tell by the tone of her voice she was skeptical of our inability to get out of town. "Honest honey, we're stuck". So O.K. L.A. isn't the the worst place in the world to be stuck but we were now anxious to get home and go about resuming our duties in a family. We did a little touring, a little visiting places we had never been to and, in general, accepting our plight as best we could. Somehow the word got out that we had bought flowers for the hotel floor ladies. In those days there were ladies that sat at a desk to be sure the people going into the rooms were indeed guests of the hotel. It seems that often ladies of the evening were known to attempt to go to a room. Can you imagine? 5 days late, after continuing to call the various forms of transportation, we were informed by the bus company that if two of us would stand until there was an empty seat they would sell us tickets to go east on a bus. We jumped at the offer and made plans. There were now four of us and we were all going to the Midwest except I was going to Buffalo N.Y. But stand we did, taking turns so that we rotated all the way to the eastern part of New Mexico. In Chicago we all took different trains to different cities and I parted, teary eyed, from the three guys I had been so very close to for most of three years. It was difficult and Louise never did fully believe the difficulty I had leaving L.A.Maybe when I get to the next page, I will be able to convince her. After all who could possibly lie in Heaven?

THE TEETH THAT DROPPED

It seems that I can remember the things of long ago better than what took place yesterday. Incidentally, what did take place yesterday? At any rate in the long ago time of my youth, I had a job at my former grammar school and the custodian in charge of the refurbishing of the school made the mistake of giving me Jimmie Gassman as my work partner. Do you remember that schools of that era had very high classroom windows and Jimmie and I each had a tall ladder that allowed us to clean way up there. However, my new friend had a great sense of humor and could do tricks like blowing across his flattened hand as it was placed edgewise over his mouth. He then would imitate the deep sound of the ships horn and it was funny because of his hand and face positions as well as the sound that floated across the school room. Mr Durr, our friendly custodian came in at the wrong moment as Jimmie was blowing and I was laughing. Mr Durr was upset that these two clowns, instead of working, were playing around. So he let us have it and we were soundly chastised. He left and our laughter soon continued. At a later time --possibly 30 minutes, we were again engaged in some side splitting laughter when our not so friendly custodian re-entered the room. We were in the same positions as before but possibly laughing even harder. Irate could not be strong enough to describe Mr Durr. His face blew out of shape. His bald head quivered with rage. His eyes became malevolent slits. Anger was a polite word that could not possible describe his mood. Words would not come out in the manner he wished and as that happened his rage escalated even more. Desperate to spit out his words, he was finally reduced to dropping his teeth into his hand so he could have control of the words needed to scream at us. Seeing this we could not hold back any further and both of us practically fell off our ladders at this display. Yes, we no longer had to worry about working at the school. He finally, after all kinds of language my tender ears had never even heard, managed to get enough control to shout "You are both fired"!!! We were still laughing as we walked out. I never saw Jimmie Gassman again although I, too, will demonstrate a ships horn on occasion, and have often wondered if his memory of that summer job is the same as is mine and we can still laugh. I'm sure Mr Durr is long dead and I have often had some regret about our irresponsible action but in the minds of 14 year old kids, it was very funny.